Book Review: “Family Unfriendly: A Critical Examination of Overparenting and Its Consequences”

Editor’s Note: The following review appears in the Fall 2025 issue of Eikon.

Timothy P. Carney. Family Unfriendly: A Critical Examination of Overparenting and Its Consequences. New York, NY: Harper, 2024. 

I’ll get straight to the point. If you’re a pastor, you should read Family Unfriendly: How Our Culture Makes Raising Kids Much Harder Than It Needs to Be. Actually, if you’re not a pastor, you should still read this book. Everyone should read this book. In fact, in the time it took me to read this book, both my wife and sister-in-law started — and finished — Family Unfriendly on my recommendation and repeatedly told me to hurry up and finish so that I could write this review. 

Timothy P. Carney, a senior fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, unfolds the story of how American culture has become increasingly hostile to kids and families. Across 14 chapters, Carney works a posteriori from the small, seemingly mundane (have lower ambitions for your kids) to the much greater, civilizational impact of our fertility crisis (many humans believe we are evil). In the final analysis, Carney pinpoints things that parents often feel, but have a difficult time articulating. For instance, why do parents feel the anxiety to get their kids in sports camps at such a young age when the likelihood of them making it pro is miniscule? Or why is it that, even though dads are much more involved today than in previous generations, it feels like both parents work more now than they did in previous generations? 

Grasping at these things feels like tilting at “vibes,” when in reality the state of play for families today versus previous generations is notably more difficult in some ways, even though technology and innovation has made other parts much easier. It’s why it can be amazing on the one hand to have highly technical baby monitors previous generations would marvel at, and it feels easier to find a dog park that serves boutique cocktails than a restaurant that can feed a family of six without taking out a payday loan. 

For Carney, a family unfriendly culture is not one part of the culture, but touches on every aspect: parenting is harder than it used to be, and virtually every institution in modern life — from the unreal expectations of travel sports to the effect of modern technology on family formation — militates against the family. As I like to say to my friends who have numerous kids like us, it’s hard out here. 

The book is occasionally humorous about the realities of family life, and Carney’s writing style is inviting. Additionally, he sprinkles in wonky social science research to help make some very interesting points that seem counter-intuitive (parenting more kids is actually easier than fewer kids); while many of us can see other such social-science findings with our own eyes (tech has made building relationships miserable for Gen Z). For these, and many other interesting facts, I encourage the reader to Carney’s book itself. There’s not enough space in this review to chronicle all of his excellent research. 

Building a Family Friendly Culture

Instead, for the sake of this review, I’d like to consider some ways that Carney’s book should encourage pastors and church members to build a family friendly church culture. 

I am a father of four and a pastor of a church that has 171 members — with more than 100 children under the age of eighteen. Since our founding less than three years ago, we’ve had more than thirty pregnancies. The meal trains and wedding showers — and then baby showers — are endless. After church on Sundays, kids run to-and-fro, inside and out, as one kid might bring a football and an impromptu football game begins; while a separate pack of girls explores the grounds where our church meets. There are kids everywhere. We are a fertile people. But not only are we a fertile people — we are a joyful people. 

While policy wonks can argue about the best means to promote a family friendly American culture, pastors and their members should aim to cultivate a family friendly church culture. I think this means at least three things: formation, instruction, and example. 

Formation 

A family friendly church culture will seek to form its people through its life together. This includes the preaching of the gospel that addresses parents and children (Eph 6), and the responsibilities of members to help care for those children under their care. In this sense, I have a responsibility not only to my own kids, but to the kids of Jared and Sam, and Blake and Jen, and Ben and Anna, and Trey and Hayley. Forming a family friendly church culture will mean understanding the bonds of love that are shared between members. 

This is why Carney’s chapter, “Why You Should Quit Your Job,” is so powerful. In the chapter, Carney relates how the “unpaid labor” of mothers makes the world go round. He speaks of his own wife and how she cares for their six children, while also doing good to their neighborhood and church community. I could say the same. The mission of the church to care for those in need, do spiritual good to the weak, and faithfully evangelize our young children is powered by moms who have elected a life of sacrifice for the sake of others. In this way, they carry on the tradition of the great women in Scripture like Hannah, Lydia, and Mary who sacrificed much for the good of others. Through their good works, they help to form other aspiring young moms in the way they should go. 

This culture is the place where men and women are formed to love Christ, lay their lives down for others, rejoice in happiness, and bear one another’s burdens with tenderness and sympathy. In short, it’s a culture of virtue formation for men and women who are to grow up into Christ in every way. 

Instruction 

Additionally, it also means helping instruct young men and women who aspire to marriage, as they do so in a world that has commodified sex. It also means instructing the young parents who are continuously being discipled by the world into a false image of a pristine, white-washed, Instagram-ready version of parenthood — one that doesn’t exist and instead creates bondage. 

The data on the effects of the smartphone, especially on Gen Z, continues to be disheartening. Carney’s chapters “Posthuman” and “The Mystery of the Sex Recession” chronicle what a dystopian, depressing reality many of our young people are living through. While smartphones have increased efficiency and remain a great gift to humanity in many ways, the effects on relationships, and especially relationship formation among young adults, is largely negative. Dating apps teach young people to view others in largely the same way they might view an Uber Eats menu. And while there are many wonderful stories of young Christian couples meeting on dating apps, I’ve found that dating apps can often be a hindrance for young people for whom the sea is ever expanding. With so many “fish” to swipe, so to speak, how can you be sure that a given particular fish, with all of her flaws, is the “one”? 

Pastors need to shepherd their people in cultivating godly character in themselves, while also looking for similar virtues in potential mates. Young members need help discerning godly character in future spouses, looking for the hidden person of the heart, and not external adorning (1 Pet 3:4). Young people need to see marriage as a means toward greater Christlikeness, counting others’ needs greater than their own, doing nothing from selfish ambition or conceit (Phil 2:3). 

Likewise, young parents need examples of other families who are loving and leading their children, disciplining them in the fear of the Lord (Prov 9:9–10). There are many voices on social media that tempt parents — especially mothers — to despair through a sanitized portrayal of what parenting requires. These parents need to be cared for in the midst of the various trials that accompany each stage of childrearing. Like an experienced physician who is able to see a patient and know by virtue of their experience that all is well, so experienced mothers and fathers can help calm parental anxieties where they exist. 

Example 

Healthy churches produce healthy families as younger members enter into marriage and parenting with exemplars of the Christian life around them. Paul’s commendation for older men and women in Titus 2 presumes that the church dignifies social relations with older men being “sober minded, self-controlled, sound in faith,” and the women being “reverent in behavior . . . self-controlled, pure, submissive to their husbands.” Orderly homes that are oriented to the cultivation of Christian virtue testify to a loving Savior who laid down his life for his bride whom he purchased with his own blood. In their own way, orderly homes help shape the moral imaginations of the cultural refugees who walk through our doors on Sunday morning. 

Further, at our church and many others like it, there is a clause in our church covenant that includes the commitment, “to endeavor to bring up such as may at any time be under our care, in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, and by a pure and loving example to seek the salvation of our family and friends.” This means that I owe it to my fellow members to help them think about how to cultivate a godly home. To build a family friendly culture, we must start with a family friendly church culture that promotes godly child rearing, and faithful husbands and wives who love and respect one another. 

Conclusion

In recent days, we’ve heard much about a so-called “vibe shift” in the culture, especially since the passing of the conservative Christian activist Charlie Kirk — a man who spent much of his time praising the virtues of family formation, especially for discontented young Gen Z men and women. If the vibe shift means more young people reconfiguring their understanding of the good life away from fruitless pursuits of maximal pleasure and toward a life of sacrifice, we all should greet this with much expectation. I am hopeful that such a thing is indeed happening. 

What I find interesting, however, is how integral Kirk’s Christian faith was to his vision of the good life. Yes, family formation is a natural good that is pursued often irrespective of one’s own confessional (or non-confessional) tradition. It is a good end in itself. Yet, one of the ends of family formation is that it points beyond itself toward something eschatological. “This mystery is profound,” Paul tells us, “and I am telling you that it relates to Christ and the church” (Eph 5:32). Through the self-giving love of husband and wife, and the de-centering of oneself through welcoming children into the world, men and women begin to see that the “stuff” of life is so much bigger than them. The material, earthy matters of providing and keeping a home are caught up in the transcendent, where Christ is. 

Building a family-friendly culture, in general, must start in the household of God. Churches are to be the soil in which young men and women learn the sacrifice required to be good husbands and wives, fathers and mothers. And if this family friendly culture is to have any stability, if it’s more than a mere “vibe shift,” then there must be revival in our churches. And revival, as we know, cannot be produced, it can only be prayed for. While we wait on the Lord, we must devote ourselves, again, to the means he has given to his church: preaching, prayer, and the sacraments. 

Thus it is that our normal, boring churches can do things that shame the wisdom of this world. As we devote ourselves to the Lord’s means — doing the Lord’s work in the Lord’s way — and as churches disciple their members to think rightly about themselves in the light of the cross, no matter their vocation, we just might see flickers of light in the ashes of our barren culture. Yes, let’s build a family friendly culture in the workplace, government, and in public policy. But let’s also keep the main thing — the family of God — the main thing. If pastors want to build the kind of culture that Tim Carney exalts, they should start with their own pulpits.