Biblical Roles in Parenting: Help from the Puritans

Editor’s Note: The following article appears in the Spring 2025 issue of Eikon.

There may be no better example of the Reformation in action than in the home life of the Puritans, who masterfully applied God’s Word to every area of life and developed a biblical, positive, and lavish perspective on the family that has been hardly paralleled in church history.^[1] As J. I. Packer (1926–2020) observed, the Puritans were “the creators of the English Christian marriage, the English Christian family, and the English Christian home.”^[2] The Puritans recognized that holiness begins at home and then extends to all of life. As experts in combining experiential piety, rigorous biblical exegesis, and a comprehensive Christian worldview into a coherent whole, the Puritans bequeathed to the church a warm, practical, and doxological vision for family life (and indeed for all of life).

The Puritan view on the distinct roles of husbands and wives in parenting is instructive for us today. For the Puritans, the basis for the relationship between husband and wife in fulfilling their parental duties is the loving authority of the husband and the loving submission of the wife. The Puritans taught that the headship of husbands over wives and parents over children is a biblical principle (Eph 5:22–24; 6:1–3). This means that husbands and fathers must exercise spiritual, social, and educational leadership on behalf of their wives and children. They must also provide adequate financial support for them. Although a wife must submit to her husband’s authority (Eph 5:22; Col 3:18; 1 Pet 3:1–6), the husband’s hierarchical leadership in the home does not mean that his wife is his servant (Eph 5:25; Col 3:19; 1 Pet 3:7).

Furthermore, the Puritans taught that God has ordained distinct spheres of responsibility in the family. Although the husband is the head of the home, the husband and wife share authority for the daily oversight of the family.^[3] Thus, the Puritans believed that it was appropriate for the father to delegate authority in various domestic spheres to his wife in areas where she was more skilled than he.

For the Puritans, the foundation of biblical childrearing is the principle of love (Titus 2:4),^[4] while the overarching duty of parents to their children is to provide for them in all things (both temporal and spiritual) and at all times — from infancy to adulthood.^[5] We will examine several ways in which the Puritans taught that husbands and wives have distinct and complementary roles in raising their children from conception to adulthood.

First, the Puritans taught the roles of husbands and wives before the birth of their children. The Puritans believed that childrearing begins at conception. Before a child was born, they taught, the new parents had two major responsibilities before God. First, they were to pray for the health, safety, and salvation of their unborn child every day. Second, they were to protect the health of the child by protecting the health of the mother. Because they placed great value on children (Ps 127:3–5), Puritan parents sought to secure the best conditions for the birth of a healthy child. Puritan husbands were expected to tenderly care for their wives during pregnancy and childbirth, to ease their burdens at home, and to shield them from anything that could be dangerous to the health of mother or child. Pregnant mothers were advised against activities that could harm the baby, such as running or riding on horseback. They were to watch their diets carefully, avoiding food that could be harmful to the baby and restraining themselves from eating either too much or too little.

Second, the Puritans taught the roles of husbands and wives during the infancy of their children. They stressed the centrality of the mother’s role in caring for newborns. They also encouraged breastfeeding, not only because it offers the best nutrition for the child, but also because it helps strengthen the bond between mother and child. William Gouge (1575–1653) dedicated eleven pages of his Domesticall Duties to explaining why it is important for a mother to breastfeed (instead of hiring a nurse), answering twelve objections along the way.^[6] Fathers should help care for the needs of their newborn children whenever possible, the Puritans taught. Such tender care strengthens the bonds between mother and child, father and child, and husband and wife. Thus, in their labors together, husband and wife made a united effort to love and protect their baby.

Third, the Puritans taught the roles of husbands and wives in the education of their children. The Puritans provided practical guidance on how parents can bring up their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph 6:4). The chief aims of Puritan education were salvation from sin and training in godliness. To help parents train their children in the truths of Scripture, Puritan pastors wrote catechisms — small books that explain fundamental Christian doctrines by means of question-and-answer, bolstered with Scripture proofs.

The Puritans catechized their children as soon as possible. Most Puritan fathers catechized each of their children for about one hour per week. Fathers explained the catechism with illustrations, Bible stories, and simple conversations with their children. The Puritans taught that the education of children was the primary responsibility of fathers. However, they believed that it was the task of both parents, and therefore it was appropriate for the father to delegate much of the authority in educating the children to his wife.

Fourth, the Puritans taught the roles of husbands and wives in family worship with their children. The Puritans taught that family worship is the most powerful means of childrearing. They considered family worship to be both a privilege and an obligation. Puritan families gathered for family worship once or twice every day. Sessions usually lasted from fifteen to thirty minutes, depending on the age of the children and the gifts of the father.

During family worship, the father led the family in prayer and reading Scripture. He usually read a Scripture portion for the day, systematically reading through the Bible from cover to cover. The Puritans believed that the whole Bible was necessary to make a whole Christian. In teaching, they used the catechetical method of asking and answering questions. The father asked questions of the children, both to generate conversation and to keep the children involved. The family then sang psalms, and the father took time to ask and answer questions about biblical truths. The Puritans said that a father should be pure in doctrine, relevant in application, and affectionate in manner during family worship.

Fifth, the Puritans taught the roles of husbands and wives in disciplining their children. The Puritans taught that in the training of children, the rod and reproof used together give wisdom (Prov 29:15). The Puritans said that if a child is disobedient, a parent should first give a verbal reproof. The parent should explain how the child has committed a sin against another person and against God (Ps 51:4), then stress the need for the child to repent. If verbal reproof is ineffective, a parent should use the rod — a term for the use of corporal punishment such as spanking. When disciplining children, Puritans labored for a balance between strictness and leniency. On one hand, a child’s natural bent for evil must be broken. On the other hand, a parent should not break a child’s spirit. Discipline must be fair and temperate. It should also be tailored to the unique needs and personalities of each child. Much of the method of discipline depends on the child’s age, attitude, response, and temperament. When corporal discipline is necessary, it must be done with love, compassion, prayer, and self-control, while it should be measured, age appropriate, and commensurate with the offense.^[7] Corporal discipline must never be too severe — for small faults, for childishness, to very young children, with excessive frequency, or to the point of physical harm or injury.^[8]

Sixth and finally, the Puritans taught the roles of husbands and wives in counseling their children. The Puritans wrote that parents are responsible to help their children make major life decisions — especially regarding the choice of a suitable vocation and a godly spouse. Puritan pastors advised parents and children to avoid two extremes in making life choices. First, parents should not force their children into occupations or marriages without their consent. Second, children were advised not to disregard their parents’ advice simply because they did not initially like it. Rather, children were to seriously and prayerfully contemplate their parents’ counsel. An obedient child might eventually choose to go another way, but only after he or she had prayed long and hard about his or her course. Then the child would respectfully tell the parents about the decision.

As they fulfilled their distinct and complementary roles in childrearing, Puritan parents were thoroughly involved in the lives of their children — from conception and birth through childhood and youth, and on into marriage and beyond. In every area, their task was to apply the truth of God’s Word to their families, leading their children to God, instructing and encouraging them to do his will, and waiting on God for his promised blessing. In our day of ungodliness and family breakdown, may God help us appreciate and recover the vision of the Puritans for childrearing as we seek to walk in the fear of God with our own families.

[1] This chapter is adapted from Joel R. Beeke, “The Puritan Family,” in Living for God’s Glory: An Introduction to Calvinism (Orlando, Fla.: Reformation Trust, 2008), 333–348; and Joel R. Beeke, “Help from Our Puritan Forebears,” in Parenting by God’s Promises: How to Raise Children in the Covenant of Grace (Orlando, Fla.: Reformation Trust, 2011), 169–179. Used with permission .

[2] J. I. Packer, A Quest for Godliness: The Puritan Vision of the Christian Life (Wheaton, Ill.: Crossway, 1990), 260.

[3] See Leland Ryken, Worldly Saints: The Puritans As They Really Were (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1986), 77–78.

[4] William Gouge, Of Domesticall Duties (London: printed by John Haviland for William Bladen, 1622), 498.

[5] Gouge, Of Domesticall Duties, 505.

[6] Gouge, Of Domesticall Duties, 508–518.

[7] Gouge, Of Domestical Duties, 555–557.

[8] Gouge, Of Domestical Duties, 558.