By Jodi Ware
In my role as a church member and a seminary professor’s wife, I have the privilege of being around many precious single women. I love spending time with these ladies, encouraging them in the Word, learning from them, and enjoying their friendship. They have taught me much about both the trials and opportunities that singleness brings, and I know the Lord better through sharing our hearts together. But as these friendships have developed, I have seen a situation play itself out time and again, and have become burdened by what I observe: namely, the tendency of well-meaning individuals to go to the woman before, or even instead of, the man when suggesting a potential match. We complementarians believe the Bible directs men to initiate and lead in a marriage relationship, but I wonder if we ought to extend that to the early days of a relationship. Let me explain.
For a single woman who longs to be married, her role is primarily to trust God, pray, and wait. Though there are some things she can do with wisdom to proactively encourage the prospect of marriage, she is limited in the initiative she can take. A single man, on the other hand, who desires to be married can pursue that desire whenever he feels led by the Lord to do so. This is the way God designed the roles of men and women to play out even in the early stages. But I have observed frequently that a well-meaning friend will say to a woman, “I know a great guy,” and go on to describe his character, his virtue, his suitability for the woman. More often than not, her hopeful heart will become interested, and she will be tempted to run forward with the idea in her head. But then either nothing is said to this great guy about her, and the woman is left to wait, or the man is later contacted and he turns it down for various reasons. This has the potential to lead to disappointment, heartache, and frustration for the single woman. I have seen it happen again and again.
I would like to suggest a different vision, one that will seek to protect the hearts of the women we love. Since we rightly expect men to initiate a relationship, and even to bear the burden of taking a risk in a relationship, perhaps it would serve all involved to approach the man first with a potential match. Perhaps the friend could say to the man, “I know a great woman. Would you be willing to pray about meeting her?” Then the friend can wait for the man to discern if the Lord is leading him to do something, to pursue the woman in some way. Until he does so, the woman does not need to know about the situation and thus does not get her hopes up prematurely. This protects the woman, and it also encourages the man to take appropriate leadership. To my way of thinking, this is a practical application of Biblical complementarity, one that respects the appropriate leadership and initiative of the man, and one that truly cares lovingly about the well-being of the woman.
A friend of mine did a great job with this process. She saw a potentially good match between her roommate and a friend at church. She did not say one word to the roommate, but approached the young man, and encouraged him to think and pray about this young woman. He acted pretty quickly and initiated the beginnings of this new relationship. In time, they got married, and the Lord has blessed them with five children and a vibrant church ministry.
In thinking about the privilege of matchmaking from a more complementarian perspective, perhaps we can help the singles in our church walk the road of hopeful contentment and faithful waiting, as we all fix our eyes on the Lord.
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