I had an abortion years ago.
For the most part, I don’t even let my mind go there for fear of the terrible sadness that will follow. I know that others, like me, must be feeling the same pangs of grief. These images give us a glimpse of the brutality of what we participated in. It’s absolutely horrifying. As I’ve reflected on my own abortion in the wake of these videos emerging, I was reminded of something I did during my post-abortion counseling that helped me to grieve. I decided to write a letter to my baby to help me process, once again. I want to encourage you to do the same.
I don’t even know how to begin this. I guess “I’m sorry” would be an understatement. While I came to terms with the reality of what I did years ago, every time I think of you, it always breaks my heart. It’s not a matter of forgiveness, I know that I am forgiven, as I have fully surrendered my life to Christ. I still have joy, but as any mother who has dealt with the loss of a child, the pain is always there. It hurts me to think of YOU. It hurts to think of what I did to you.
I was promised that abortion would make my life easier, but it didn’t. I’ve spent countless nights weeping for you. I was told you were tissue, just a blob, but you weren’t. You had a perfect tiny body created by a perfect God. You were a magnificent gift that I took for granted.
When I found out about you, the first thing I thought about was ME. I was selfish. I wanted a quick and easy way out. I don’t pretend to know everyone’s story, but for me, my choice was not made out of desperation. I could have somehow made it work. My choice was made out of fear and selfishness. I feared telling my family and church that I had made a mistake. I feared the life I would have as a single mom of more than one child. I feared for my reputation. I feared what the financial strain would do to my life, my hobbies, and my well-being. I selfishly wanted a quick fix. I selfishly did not want my life to change. That’s just the thing. I thought only of myself and it has caused me a lifetime of pain.
I didn’t think of you. I didn’t think of the man or woman that you would become. I didn’t think of all the memories we could’ve made or the smiles and giggles we would have had. I didn’t think the ways that you could’ve made a difference in the world. I didn’t think of all the ways my family would have found joy through your life. I didn’t think of how much your siblings would have done anything for you. I didn’t think about how you would look, would you have my green eyes? I didn’t think of how much my heart could have loved you. ALL I thought of was me.
Forgive me, baby, for taking all of this from you, from my family, from me.
I love you precious one,
Through the videos released about Planned Parenthood, I can only pray that mothers look beyond themselves and see their babies.
I hope they see them as little babies with little fingers and little toes, as little babies that feel pain. As a gift from God (Ps. 138:13-14)..
I pray that women realize the truth. These are babies in their womb, not tissue.
I hope women know how much God loves them and wants a personal relationship with them. I hope women suffering from past abortions realize that they can be forgiven and free from the sorrow and guilt by surrendering their lives to the Lord (Eph. 1:7).
Though it isn’t easy to deal with the loss of a child, God is a God who forgives and brings joy back to those dark areas in your life. God’s grace is new each day and when you realize that Jesus’ death was enough to cover your sins, you can have freedom in him.
If you are pregnant or needing post-abortion recovery please call The Source for Women 713-633-2828.
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